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Stress

May 7, 2013

I participate in the Daily Challenge by MeYouHealth. Today I am to write non-stop for five minutes about something I am stressing over, so I thought what better place to go to than here.

Timer set and go!

I am stressing over finding a place I can afford to live in the Southwest Denver area. I need to move because my allergies and migraines are out of control here and my quality of life is zilch. I chose Denver to be near my daughter, Brandy. I am on disability and do not make much money and it makes it difficult to find a nice place. I have checked with friends but they have not come up with any ideas yet. I had to file bankruptcy because my mortgage company foreclosed on me. That is causing me problems now as well. It was not my fault that I had to file because I tried to short sell my house for at least nine months until I could no longer afford to pay utilities for two places. We turned in many valid offers to Wells Fargo and they either ignored us or turned us down. I hear nothing but bad things about Wells Fargo. My realtor believes the way they treated us goes against certain laws for mortgage companies. So here I sit, cooped up in my small apartment wanting to move and wanting to be near my daughter, but things are just going slow. I know I need to be patient and everything will work out, but between allergies, migraines, depression and a few other things, patience just is not a working function in my brain right now.

Ding! Time’s up!

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Poem 7: “They”

April 27, 2013

They…

They tell me there is nothing wrong with me

They buy me self-help books and tell me to fix myself

They tell me people do not like me

They tell me I have no friends

But…

They do not come around me and see my friends

They do not see I am liked and loved and cared for

Then…

They criticize my doctors

They say the doctors are wrong

They do not like my meds

They do not think I need any

Yet…

They do not offer to come with me to the doctor

They do not see the pain in my eyes because

I have to put my faith in this stranger, this doctor

They do not reassure me

Then there are the other Theys:

They tell me I do not need Church Small Group while I am going through this difficult time

They tell me I need to be alone………………………???

They do not check on me and see how closed off I am from the world:

Or how afraid I am of the world?

Or how scared I am to let the world in?

They do not want to hear my truth because it makes no sense to them

To the “Theys” I say:

What I feel is real

What I cannot bring myself to feel is real

I should not be alone at this time

I do not need to hear more criticism

Do they not get…

Do they not get that it is their and my own self criticism that put me here???

Do they not get that everything they tell me to think about

The good in my life, my kids, my family

Do they not get that I have already told myself that and more???

People like me…

People like me do not like being here

People like me want to be strong

People like me want to face the world head on

People like me want to say “This is the Day!!!!”

(**Note: though most of this is from when I was first put on disability, my depression goes up and down. I try to do the positive things, taking up the things I used to enjoy. I do not sit here and say bring on the pain and the solitude.  Anyway – obviously my mood is down right now and this poem just came to my head out of the blue. Maybe now I can put it behind me.)

 

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Commentary on my Blog Neglect!!

April 27, 2013

I started this blog with the best of intentions.

This was going to help me with my struggles as I fought my depression and the many other issues I have let rule my life.

I look back and read what I wrote amazed that I wrote this things.

My goal was and is to write more often.

My ups and downs drive me “crazy” and surely this will help no matter “which” of me is writing.

When the poetry of the month came up I thought what an awesome way to get me going again.

As you can see – today is the 27th and I have written six!!

So – I wish to get started again. I may try my hand at poetry again.

I may use the suggested ideas on NaPoWriMo or I may just use what comes to my head

My edges may be rough but they are not without worth!

 

 

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Poem #6 – Good Bye

April 6, 2013

 

Good bye to Depression

We have been friends for way too long

It is time we go our separate ways

I know you fear I will have no life without you

But I am strong and I no longer need you to lean on

 

Good bye to Co-Dependency

We have known each other since I was a child

It is time for you to go as well

And take all of your friends with you

I know I can stand on my own and I no longer need you

 

Good bye Denial

You must leave with your friend Co-Dependency

I know I can take off my mask

I know now I can ask for help

I am strong and can now stand up for myself

 

Good bye Low Self Esteem

You too belong with your friend Co-Dependency

As you can see I am now capable of making decisions

I no longer need others to validate who I am

Go away and take your crutches with you

 

Good bye to all of you

And any others lurking around in the crevices of my brain

I now have the power to chew you up and spit you out

So once again go away

I am strong I am healthy and I will survive!!!

 

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Poem #5 – Cinquain

April 6, 2013

Weather

When I go out

Who knows what I will find

Can be winter spring summer fall

Texas

 

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Poem #4 – A Tribute to Iain M. Banks

April 6, 2013

(All words in bold italics are of some of Mr. Banks’ ship names)

With Nervous Energy I approached the new planet

Being the Determinist I am I made myself stop being afraid

I felt like an Uninvited Guest in this strange land

As my ship traversed the skies I looked out my window – My Ship With A View

The ship sailed smoothly in the Clear Air Turbulence

With Youthful Indiscretion and considering myself Invincible I decided it was time to land

I was now concerned that I would come across an Undesirable Alien

I stepped out onto the land and now Well I Was In The Neighborhood

They may be aliens to me but I was A Stranger Here Myself

If I handled this well I would have made an Outstanding Contribution To The Historical Process

Especially since it was known I had A Fine Disregard for Awkward Facts

And was often considered an Unreliable Witness

I suddenly knew I lacked a Fate Amendable To Change

I realized I would never find out What Is The Answer and Why

I knew it was now time for my Dramatic Exit Or Thank You and Goodnight!

 (Ship names found on this website: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_spacecraft_in_the_Culture_series)

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Poem #3 – Grace’s Shanty

April 3, 2013

Poem #3 is suggested to be a sea shanty. Now that may be a stretch!! I will say one of my favorite songs is “Brandy” by Looking Glass. Not quite a sea shanty but definitely a song about sailors!

OK – so I decided a sailor’s shanty is beyond my experience and imagination. I have, however, decided to keep the idea and make a shanty called “Grace’s Shanty.” I joined this poem writing project because I feel it will help me in my healing and also get me back into writing on my blog. So, my “shanty” shall be about what I am going through.

Grace’s Shanty – Baby Steps

I once lost it all and it’s hard to come back

Try to carry my load but it gives me no slack

Baby Steps are good Baby Steps are OK

Those Baby Steps will lead the way

The depression increases and leaves me so lost

The depression increases at so high a cost

Baby Steps are good Baby Steps are OK

Those Baby Steps will lead the way

My skills are gone they are not what they were

My skills are all gone another price to incur

Baby Steps are good Baby Steps are OK

Those Baby Steps will lead the way

So many baby steps now down the road

I have truly seen what baby steps showed

Baby Steps are good Baby Steps are OK

Those Baby Steps will lead the way

Baby steps have helped me see the positive to come

Baby steps have helped me see there is a way home

Baby Steps are good Baby Steps are OK

Those Baby Steps will lead the way

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